Lobster Bake

Lobster Claws

Battling carpal tunnel in my left wrist and tendonitis in my right arm, I have been instructed by not one but two orthopedic surgeons to wear a tennis elbow band 24/7 plus splints on both hands at night.  I go to bed resembling a giant lobster.  Able to clasp only the tips of my fingers as if they were claws, I become Lucille Ball struggling to change the channel on the television remote as it repeatedly shoots out of my hands like a wet bar of soap.  Even pulling up the covers is a challenge in dexterity.  I yank and yank on the heavy comforter without it budging until a last ditch effort simultaneously releases the blanket and sends my fists careening into my face.  After my jaw stops seizing with pain, I can cocoon into the depths of the bed, swaddled in the warmth of the plush blanket and the comforter.  Soon, however, I am flashing with pre-menopausal torrents and floundering like a crustacean to escape my self-imposed boil as the Velcro of my hands’ straight jackets locks me into the threads of my cheap 100-count sheets.  Squeezing out from this Chinese Torture Chamber feet first saves me from further suffocation. Using my arms as pinchers, I drag my pillow down beside me and fall asleep on the floor flush with newfound respect for those crusty little critters I once only thought of as tasty delicacies.  That is, until I am overtaken by the cold winter air and faced with freezing or beginning the ordeal all over again… Note:  After months of nightly imitations as the snail of the sea, I am undergoing carpal tunnel surgery tomorrow which I hope allows me to return to a state of humanness.  As a nod to my transition and to the upcoming holidays, this blog may take a hiatus until 2011.  Until then, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year.  Or, as one lobster said to the other, “See you in the stew.”