Pension gone? Retirement fund stolen? Cost of health benefits unaffordable? Consider the retirement plan I’ve decided on for my future: Prison.
Radical, you say? Unreasonable? Mad? Just listen to the advantages: Days spent lounging in your room with dedicated time outdoors. Three square meals a day. An extensive library. Free gym membership. And, best of all, the most comprehensive health care coverage that money (but not yours) can buy. Is this a vacation in the Bahamas, or a fiesta in the big house? ¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! Sign me up!
First, how to qualify. Of course the options are as numerous as the human imagination. Choose the ignominy that is right for you!
Know someone who really sticks in your craw? Take out (Extinguish! Silence! Annihilate!) that someone. Let’s face it, he or she is probably a public nuisance anyway (or at least a major buzz kill). (Visualize yourself as the titular vigilante from the TV show “Dexter.”) Should you have your sights set on a big fish, don’t hold back. As a liberal, perhaps you’d like to “stare down the cross hairs” at a certain Alaskan pundit; as a dog lover, then perhaps you’d prefer to assault a particular NFL quarterback; as an honest citizen who is against stealing from schools and non-profit foundations (and pretty much everybody else), then you can always perform the ultimate swindle on everyone’s favorite Ponzi schemer. The options are limitless!
Or, instead of going rogue, go Robin Hood! Rob a bank or (better yet!) a Wall Street brokerage firm with the intent to “take from the rich and give to the poor.” You’ll qualify for the retirement plan and look like a mensch!
The point is Get out there and commit a felony! Prisons are already overbooked and your bunk won’t be held forever. Give your soul a quick shakedown and decide as soon as possible what criminal offense has your name on it!
And for your effort? A fully paid retirement in prison (ah, my mind is at ease already). Lounging, reading, working out — all at the taxpayers’ expense!
So stop worrying and put your retirement plan into action! Your new homies are waiting to meet you!
Full disclosure: Not responsible for injuries encountered in qualifying for plan. Entrance into the retirement plan available for all, excluding celebrities as they are impossible to convict.